Elaine Cole, MFT
HOW TO FIND A GOOD THERAPIST
By Elaine Cole , MFT
So how does one proceed in locating a competent and understanding therapist? Look
in the phone book? Perhaps.
There are three important concepts to be considered when looking for a good
therapist: The Point of Contact, The Hiring and Your Intuition. This article will explore
all three in detail and provide a checklist to help you find just the right therapist for
you.
You may not have needed a therapist before. And you may never need one again.
But during this vulnerable passage, a professional can be an experienced guide
through the pitfalls of self-doubt and anger that reign during a family shake-up.
Perhaps a trusted friend is all you need. S/he knows your story and you know
his/hers. You have shared tears of sadness and joy. S/he has spent hours and hours
with you going over every tiny detail of what events led up to this crisis.
So, why invite an unknown therapist into your life? Because you need to get back to
the business of living. While a friend may get wrapped up in “who did what to whom,” a
good therapist will not. You don’t want to be in therapy forever. You want to put
agonizing details behind you and get your life in forward gear again.
When do you start therapy? Now or later? After feelings get trampled on? When you
pull yourself together? Maybe.
Frankly, sooner is better than later, especially if you’re not sleeping well, eating too
much or too little, or feeling like shattered glass. Why postpone restoring your
confidence? Whether or not you initiated the turbulence, you will experience profound
feelings of guilt and self-blame that can be paralyzing. A professional therapist will
walk you through the steps to getting your emotional life in order.
THE POINT OF CONTACT
Some people can rely on a friend while others are more private. If you are comfortable
asking a friend for a referral to a good therapist, do so. Ask your friend why s/he likes
the therapist. Keep in mind that just because your friend like his therapist, you may
not.
Others want to move away from their circle of friends when looking for a therapist. If
asking friends is not a good idea for you, don’t ask them.
Instead, call your doctor, rabbi or pastor for recommendations. A professional will give
your three different names. Check them all out. Sometimes your doctor and therapist
will take a team approach to your mental health. If so, take advantage of this
opportunity, as two professional heads are better than one. You can also call your
California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists at 1-323-964-3200 for a
referral. Or surf over to www.TherapistFinder.com
Have you seen someone you like on a talk show, listened to “Dr. What’s Her Name” or
caught an infomercial? Remember that high profile therapists often have associates
or interns who will be providing the actual therapy. If push comes to shove and money
is tight, call a community clinic or government agency. Keep in mind that you may have
to wait for an appointment and your therapist may be pre-licensed.
Or use your phone book. Call several therapists. Note how long it takes to get a
return phone call. A twenty-four hour period is reasonable. Tell him or her that you
are shopping for a therapist. You should receive encouragement, if not, keep
looking. Even though all Marriage and Family Therapists are bound ethically to
provide safe treatment for the consumer-- but it’s really up to you to find the right
therapist.
THE HIRING
As you know, changes happen all at once, causing your usual coping abilities to
diminish. You may find yourself crying at cat food commercials or driving mindlessly
past your house. So gather your wits and hire a therapist that you can lean on when
life is like an old black and white movie.
Remember, when hiring a therapist, you are the Interviewer. You are free to ask
whatever questions you wish. Gather enough information so your common sense will
tell you this therapist is a go. Before you pour your heart out, remember you are the
Interviewer.
Take this checklist with you:
· What is your fee?
· What are your hours?
· Can I bring someone me?
· How long will counseling last?
· Will you solve all our problems?
· Can I call you between sessions?
· Am I charged for calls?
· How does therapy work?
· Is what I say private?
· Do you take insurance?
· Where do I park?
What the therapist answers is just as important as how the therapist answers. Are the
answers genuine? If the therapist seems annoyed by your questions, say goodbye
and move on. If you’re not sure about the therapist because you were nervous, run
the interview by someone you trust. If you’re still unsure, move on to the next
interview. This legwork will be worth its weight in gold.
YOUR INTUITION—
Stop, Look, and Listen
Stop. Watch for what are called boundary issues. You can sense when someone has
stepped over your personal boundary - if you pay attention. For example, does the
therapist want to give you something? Sell you a book? Trade computer services for
therapy? Does the therapist want to fix you up with a friend or meet you for coffee?
This is inappropriate behavior for a professional. Excuse yourself and leave. This is
not the therapist for you.
These types of behavior cross over the line of professionalism. We sometimes find
ourselves socially conditioned to ignore red flags of inappropriateness. During
emotionally turbulent times you are particularly vulnerable. Your natural desire for
intimacy makes it presence known. This is called the vacuum cleaner stage. Be
careful not to suck up the wrong person just to fill the void.
Look around you during the interview. What do you see? Does the therapist wear
clothes you imagine a professional would? Is their behavior ethical? How comfortable
is the room, the chair, the lighting? Is this office one that you’d be comfortable visiting
each week? Is the therapist too eager or too tired? Attentive or distracted? Does the
therapist take phone calls during the interview? He may think of himself as a
Hollywood mogul, but a therapist who takes calls must have better things to do. The
client should be the center of his (or her) attention. Intuition and common sense are
little more than being observant. A therapy office is a
place where you will find peace of mind. If something feels wrong, it probably is.
Listen. Who does all the talking - you or the therapist? A therapist who does all the
talking is not listening. Is his/her language academic or elitist? Do you understand
what s/he is saying? Does the therapist speak to you - or at you? Does s/he have a
pejorative tone? Notice what thoughts pop into your head during this initial interview.
Pay attention to even silly thoughts or those that don’t seem to matter. They do.
Learn to listen to yourself. You know more than you think you do.
In conclusion, your choice of a therapist is very personal and unique to you. Just as
the same suit of clothes will not fit every body-type, your therapist should be custom
tailored to fit you. Gathering information and using the concepts from The Point of
Contact stage, The Interview stage and using Your Intuition are tools to help you
identify from whom you want help. Be well and good luck!
Six Important Questions to Ask Your Therapist:
1. What kind of license do you have? Marriage and Family Therapists are
relationship specialists. Only a psychiatrist or your physician can prescribe
medication, if needed.
2. What are your fees? Many therapists have sliding scales. More experienced
therapist may not.
3. Do you specialize? Some therapists have certification or extended training e.g.
effective parenting or couples counseling.
4. Do you take insurance? Your insurance plan may cover your sessions. However,
some people do not want their insurance companies to know their personal business.
5. Who will attend sessions? Some therapists may suggest that the children or
partners attend the first session. But you have the final say-so.
6. How private is therapy, really? Marriage and Family Therapists are required by law
to keep records confidential unless authorized to do otherwise.
